It’s Children’s Day today and I believe that the best way to celebrate children is to parent them as well as possible. Not just today. Every day.
Now, I’m not a parent and I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever be. There was a time in my life when I was 100% sure that I would never have kids.
Then, I decided I’m just going to let myself live and see. Maybe someday I’ll feel this desire to bring another human being forth into the world.
For the time being, it doesn’t align with my dreams. Yet we constantly evolve, so I remain open to listen and honor myself in every stage of my life.
Still, I have been on the other side of parenting just like all of us have, to different degrees. And we all have to deal with the consequences of the parenting we received, whether we like it or not.
Parenting nowadays seems to be this overwhelming “new discipline” that has rules and ideas about what to do and not to do to/with/for children.
It’s a lot to take in, learn and practice. Of course, I haven’t studied all of it. And I don’t have “the magical recipe” that will create the “perfect humans”.
Beyond all of that, after studying and reflecting, the conclusion that I’ve reached so far is that we need two main things to be great parents:
1. Be the greatest versions of ourselves we can possibly be
Honestly. Authentically. In every action, word, interaction. In our lives before we have kids, in front of any kids and in any given moment.
We have the power to create ourselves as who we wish to be, the power to grow and learn and be real, be truthful.
Kids are mirrors. And whatever we live, they’ll imitate and recreate. Whatever they see, they do. Whatever they hear, they say. We are their role models.
If we act in a certain way, but tell them to act the opposite, why would they listen? We have this saying in Romanian: ‘Don’t do what the priest does, do what the priest says.’
Well, I don’t think that’s how it works. Children are their own persons, they’re not robots that just follow the instructions we give them.
2. Stay present and observe, to help meet their needs
Not your own unmet needs from childhood. Not the needs you think your child has. Not the needs someone else tells you the child might have.
The ones that you see your child needs. The ones they tell you they need. The ones that you can absolutely recognize if you intentionally pay attention to that child.
Most of the trauma we experience comes from the needs that have never or rarely been met in situations when we were helpless and really needed someone else to help us meet them.
As adults, we obviously don’t know everything. And I don’t think we have to. As long as we work on point #1, it means we’re committed to constantly learn and evolve.
But we are in a position where we can pay attention to children and do our best to help meet their needs. We have the resources, the emotional and mental capacity.
Can we completely “save” them from trauma? Probably not.
But it sure helps them to have a parent figure be present with them through their challenges and tough moments and help them make sense of their needs and feelings. Or simply hold a safe space for them while they navigate life.
I can’t think of any better gifts we can offer our children.
So, while you have that ice cream, chocolate or cake today with your kids, be there, be present and hold them in your presence. Help them feel safe and loved.
And on any other day, think about how you can be your best self. They’ll want to be their best selves when they see that in you.
What are your guiding principles on parenting? What gifts would you like to leave children with?
I’d love to know your ideas in the comments!
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